Grief and loss

• Grief is the natural response to losing a loved one. This can present in many ways and emotions may be intensified  by requirements around physical distancing.  
• With so much happening in the world right now, you may feel overwhelmed or numb. It’s actually ok to be numb for a time, to focus on surviving in the immediate now. Your grief is still there, underneath it all.  
• Grief is different for everyone, try not to judge yourself or others. Let go of expectations right now. 

Rules for funerals and tangihanga will differ under each Alert Level. See below for more details. 

Alert Level 4 

Requirements around social distancing mean the traditions we associate with public funerals and tangihanga have paused. Gathering for these events is not allowed while New Zealand is at Alert Level 4. 

Alert Level 3 

Funerals and tangihanga can go ahead under Alert Level 3 but are restricted to no more than 10 people. Funeral directors will need to keep a register of all persons entering the funeral home. Drinks and food cannot be shared afterwards. 

Alert Level 2 

Funerals and tangihanga can go ahead under Alert Level 2 but are restricted to no more than 100 people. The Ministry of Health says when holding a gathering, play it safe — maintain hygiene standards and meet existing record-keeping requirements for contact tracing. 

Alert Level 1 

There are no physical distancing requirements at Alert Level 1. You can still play it safe by keeping a distance between yourself and people you don’t know. Use your judgement. Funeral Directors and those holding tangihanga are no longer required to keep records of those attending. However for contract tracing purposes, you may want to keep a record of where you’ve been, when you were there and who you’ve met. People who are sick with cold or flu-like symptoms are advised not to attend. Some restrictions still apply: people in managed isolation or quarantine cannot attend funerals or tangihanga. International travel restrictions are still in place. This may affect you if the person you lost lived in another country and you can’t travel there, or if people living overseas would like to attend a funeral or tangihanga in New Zealand. 

You may choose to delay some of the ways you would like to farewell the person who has died until the COVID-19 pandemic is over. 

Yet we cannot delay grief. Having a service or activities and rituals to engage in within the first few weeks of a death can help with adapting to loss.  

As an example, you might like to gather the people in your mirumiru/bubble and create your own farewell. You can put a photo up of your loved one, say a karakia/prayer, light a candle or share memories of that person. If you cannot attend a funeral or tangihanga due to COVID-19 restrictions, the venue where the funeral or tangihanga is being held may be able to supply a video link to watch proceedings online. 

For more information on this please see the Ministry of Health / Manatū Hauora website page for COVID-19 Deaths, funerals and tangihanga:

Grief can feel isolating. Know it’s not just you, and you are not alone.

• Let people know what’s happened, it’s important that you don’t feel alone in your grief. Seek the support of whānau, friends and colleagues to help you cope.
• Keep a notebook handy and write down anything you may need to remember. Lots can be going on and it can often be hard to focus and keep track of things. 
• You might like to nominate someone in your whānau to be the main contact point. This person can liaise with funeral directors and official processes on your behalf. They can also arrange appropriate rituals for you and your mirumiru/bubble.

Phone and social media platforms offer us ways to connect and keep in touch, to share memories, photos and stories of the person who has died. We can reach out to feel less alone.

• Talking about how you are feeling helps. Perhaps ask a friend to check in with you every few days via text, phone or video apps. It’s the gentle support and connection with others that counts.
• Sympathy cards can be used to share remembrance stories. Find a card with lots of blank space inside and write a personal story or memory of the person you’d like to share. It’s healing to write a precious memory down and the bereaved family may appreciate receiving these. 
• If there are tamariki/children in your whānau, check-in with them often. Answer their questions honestly. Tamariki may appear sad and happy in the space of minutes. Let them set their own pace.
• It's ok to alternate grieving with other activities. Doing this can help us adjust to loss while managing everyday life. 
• Try to limit how much news and social media you consume – when we are experiencing sadness and trauma, regular news can be distressing.

Remember: In grief you can only do the best you can, be kind to yourself.

Grief is challenging enough without the threat of a global pandemic. But you can be creative in how you offer support during COVID-19.

• Awhi/support and comfort your whānau pani/bereaved family & friends to get through this time of loss together.
• Technology - using video apps can connect you face-to-face virtually. When you connect make sure you listen to the person you’re supporting. Acknowledge their pain and don’t offer advice. Remember silence is ok too. Schedule regular catch ups on the preferred platform and stick to the schedule.
• If you find it hard to know what to say, its ok to say that. You can ask them how they are and let them talk more than you do. It's ok to say the name of the person who died. Or if they don't want to talk about it now, let them know you’re there to listen whenever they’d like to. 
• You can also offer practical support and take over a prepared meal, help with the laundry, babysitting or grocery shopping if it’s safe to do so within the current Alert Level restrictions.
• Reach out, make yourself available not just in the short term but in the weeks and months to come. 

Depending on the Alert Level, GPs may offer face to face appointments or remote services by phone, online or video consult. If you’re unsure, call your GP to ask what kind of appointments they offer under current Alert Level restrictions. If your GP is not available, find one that is. If you do not find your GP helpful at this time, it’s ok to contact another GP. 

During Alert Levels 3 and 4, counselling and grief counselling is available by virtual or telephone appointments where possible. For more information and to find a counsellor please see: 

The New Zealand Association of Counsellors

Talkingworks

New Zealand Psychological Society 

New Zealand College of Clinical Psychologists

Skylight Trust

The Grief Centre (Auckland)

Grief Support Services (Tauranga)

Loss and Grief Centre (Invercargill)

Free call or text 1737 anytime to talk to a trained counsellor. 

Lifeline – 0800 543 354 or free text 4357 (HELP)

Youthline – 0800 376 633 or free text 234

Samaritans – 0800 726 666

Please see the Mental Health Foundation website for more helplines

Grief is our natural response to losing a loved one. This can present in many ways. In addition to experiencing grief you may also be concerned about preventing the spread of COVID-19.

• A death by suicide is particularly difficult to comprehend. You may be experiencing intense shock, confusion and grief, this is normal.
• There will be practical things to deal with, on top of trauma, shock and grief. Ask for the support you need.
• With so much happening in the world right now, you may feel overwhelmed or numb. It’s actually ok to be numb for a time, to focus on surviving in the immediate now. Your grief is still there, underneath it all.
• Suicide loss can feel isolating. You may feel disconnected from the rest of the world. Know it’s not just you, and you are not alone.

Rules for funerals and tangihanga will differ under each Alert Level. See below for more details. 

Alert Level 4 

Requirements around social distancing mean the traditions we associate with public funerals and tangihanga have paused. Gathering for these events is not allowed while New Zealand is at Alert Level 4. 

Alert Level 3 

Funerals and tangihanga can go ahead under Alert Level 3 but are restricted to no more than 10 people. Funeral directors will need to keep a register of all persons entering the funeral home. Drinks and food cannot be shared afterwards. 

Alert Level 2 

Funerals and tangihanga can go ahead under Alert Level 2 but are restricted to no more than 100 people. The Ministry of Health says when holding a gathering, play it safe — maintain hygiene standards and meet existing record-keeping requirements for contact tracing. 

Alert Level 1 

There are no physical distancing requirements at Alert Level 1. You can still play it safe by keeping a distance between yourself and people you don’t know. Use your judgement. Funeral Directors and those holding tangihanga are no longer required to keep records of those attending. However for contract tracing purposes, you may want to keep a record of where you’ve been, when you were there and who you’ve met. People who are sick with cold or flu-like symptoms are advised not to attend. Some restrictions still apply: people in managed isolation or quarantine cannot attend funerals or tangihanga. International travel restrictions are still in place. This may affect you if the person you lost lived in another country and you can’t travel there, or if people living overseas would like to attend a funeral or tangihanga in New Zealand. 

You may choose to delay some of the ways you would like to farewell the person who has died until the COVID-19 pandemic is over. 

Yet we cannot delay grief. Having a service or activities and rituals to engage in within the first few weeks of a death can help with adapting to loss.  

As an example, you might like to gather the people in your mirumiru/bubble and create your own farewell. You can put a photo up of your loved one, say a karakia/prayer, light a candle or share memories of that person. If you cannot attend a funeral or tangihanga due to COVID-19 restrictions, the venue where the funeral or tangihanga is being held may be able to supply a video link to watch proceedings online. 

For more information on this please see the Ministry of Health / Manatū Hauora website page for COVID-19 Deaths, funerals and tangihanga.

• You might like to keep a notebook handy. Lots can be going on and it may be hard to focus and remember things. Write all important and helpful information down, anything you might need to remember.
• You may have many ‘why’ questions around suicide and what was going on for the person who died. You may feel like you’re on a detective trail, searching for answers. This is normal after a suicide. Just take your time and look after yourself. It’s important to remember, suicide is a ‘multi-factorial’ issue, meaning many factors are involved. Suicide is never the result of one thing only. Some factors may be known, while others are unknown.
• Give yourself time to grieve. Be kind to yourself, something big has happened and it may take some time for you to find a way forward.

• Communicate with key people in the life of the person who has died. While we're practicing physical distancing, phones and social media platforms offer us ways to keep in touch, to share memories, photos and stories. Even if we can’t be together in person, we can reach out online to feel less alone. 
• Talking about how you are feeling is important. Perhaps ask a friend to check in with you every few days via phone, text, FaceTime or other video apps. It’s the gentle support and connection with others that counts.
• If you're supporting someone who’s bereaved by suicide and find it hard to know what to say, its ok to say that. You can ask them how they are and let them talk more than you do. It's ok to say the name of the person who died. Or if they don't want to talk about it now, let them know you’re there to listen whenever they’d like to. You can also offer practical support and take over a prepared meal, help with the laundry, babysitting or grocery shopping.
• Sympathy cards can be used to share remembrance stories. Find a card with lots of blank space inside and write a personal story or memory of the person you’d like to share. It’s healing to write a precious memory down and the bereaved family may appreciate receiving these.
• If there are tamariki/children in your family, check-in with them often. Answer their questions honestly. Tamariki may appear sad and happy in the space of minutes. Let them set their own pace.
• Try to limit how much news and social media you consume – when we are experiencing sadness and trauma, regular news can be distressing.
• It’s ok to alternate grieving with other activities. Doing this can help us adjust to loss while managing everyday life.

Gently remind people grief is different for everyone, try not to judge yourself or others. Let go of expectations right now.

Depending on the Alert Level, GPs may offer face to face appointments or remote services by phone, online or video consult. If you’re unsure, call your GP to ask what kind of appointments they offer under current Alert Level restrictions. If your GP is not available, find one that is. If you do not find your GP helpful at this time, it’s ok to contact another GP. 

During Alert Levels 3 and 4, counselling and grief counselling is available by virtual or telephone appointments where possible. For more information and to find a counsellor please see: 

The New Zealand Association of Counsellors

Talkingworks

New Zealand Psychological Society 

New Zealand College of Clinical Psychologists

Skylight Trust

The Grief Centre (Auckland)

Grief Support Services (Tauranga)

Loss and Grief Centre (Invercargill)

Free call or text 1737 anytime to talk to a trained counsellor. 

Lifeline – 0800 543 354 or free text 4357 (HELP)

Youthline – 0800 376 633 or free text 234

Samaritans – 0800 726 666

Please see the Mental Health Foundation website for more helplines